Penis Size

Saturday, 9 May 1998

The DJ on WNEW just mentioned that two upcoming big-budget movies, Godzilla and Bulworth, are opening on the same weekend, and made the claim that this puts to two films in competition with each other. Granted, any two movies that are in a given market at the same time are theoretically competing for the same viewer dollars (assuming that they are both movies that appeal to the same audience), but why should these two movies be thought of as competing any more than they are with a movie that opened last week? Most people who can afford to see movies can afford to see more than one over the course of a typical movie's time in the theaters. Plenty of people are going to see both Godzilla and Bulworth.

The only thing that two films are really competing for is the number of people who'll see the movie on its first weekend, but no sane human being could possibly find that interesting, since it doesn't measure anything meaningful. Studio executives might compare opening weekend receipts the way that adolescent boys compare the lengths of their penises, but what mature adult could find the information of any earthly use? Yet, not only does the radio DJ find himself compelled to share his opinions on this matter with me, but TNT inserts announcements of daily box office totals into commercial breaks, comparing the top few films as if they were in some kind of race. Who the fuck cares?! Does TNT think its audience consists largely of studio stockholders? What sort of brainwashed zombie would I have to be to find this information compelling?

I'm probably going to wind up seeing Godzilla, just because part of it was filmed a couple blocks north of Crossover, but the advertising saturation is starting to annoy me enough that I may change my mind. It seems like every bus in New York has a Godzilla ad poster on it, and none of the ads talk about anything but how big the monster is. "His claw is as long as this sign." "His tail is as long as four subway cars." "Size does matter." I'm amazed they aren't cross-promoting it with Viagra.