Lyrics © 1991 Michael Rubin
Tune: "Ash Grove"
I went to a Worldcon in Northwestern Europe
Then visited London, my money to spend.
Found meetings at pubs that were thick with British fandom
I had a great time and met lots of new friends.
There were Englishmen & Scotsmen & Irishmen & Welshmen
And Jerseymen & Manxmen & women as well;
They were witty and friendly and knew the best whiskey --
There was just one slight problem that blew things to hell.
I typed in my fanzine, sent copies to London
Saying "Had a great time with some wonderful Brits."
The locs came in carloads: "That word's an abortion;
Whoever invented it should be blown to bits."
So next I tried Britishers, which was a non-finisher,
And Britons means Celts who were subjects of Rome;
But when I wrote Englishmen since London's in England,
The loc that came back told me "Yankee go home!"
"Call a Scottish bloke English, he'll force-feed you haggis,
And won't let you near Glasgow in '95.
Call an Irishman English if he is from Ulster,
And you won't get out of this filksong alive.
We are Englishmen & Scotsmen & Irishmen & Welshmen
And Jerseymen & Manxmen & womenfolk too."
These United Kingdom persons nearly drove me to distraction
But then I looked up* and knew just what to do:
* to the previous verse, that is...
I went with that loc to my friends down in Georgia
Where it raised such a ruckus as you never saw
"Well Ah do declare they ah callin' us Yankees;
Of course they must know that this insult means wah!"
So we settled at gunpoint; now we call each other Charlie
And Linda and Zaphod and James, James and James
And Ffynedd ap Something and Leslie and Sandy;
Now my only problem's forgetting their names!