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And The Band Played Appropriate Music

Words ©1991 Avram Grumer, based upon a joke told to him by Harold Feld.
Tune: "And The Band Played 'Waltzing Matilda'" by Eric Bogle


There once was a kingdom with many young knights;
They were valiant, and all in fine fettle.
And they wished to compare all their relative mights
In a contest that would try their mettle.
So they whipped out their swordarms, and sweated and strained
To lift up the weights they'd attached with much pain.
I just said they were valiant, not that they had brains.
And you know what I'm meaning by "swordarm."

And the band played appropriate music,
While the menfolk did tear at their hair.
The children waved flags, and the women did swoon,
As they saw what was happening there.

Now the first knight, he lifted five pounds off the stage.
He was feeling quite macho and studly.
The second knight called for ten pounds in a rage,
And the contest began to get ugly.
The third called for twenty, the fourth for still more.
The fifth said he'd give all the others what for.
And the crowd's steady cheering increased to a roar.
This was almost as much fun as bloodshed.

And the band played appropriate music,
While the menfolk did tear at their hair.
The children waved flags, and the women did swoon,
As they saw what was happening there.

Now of course no mere stickjock can outshine his king,
So the monarch did enter the fray.
He parted his robes, and he pulled out his thing,
And he called on the queen, for to sway
His lusts and his passions with all of her charm,
As a hundred-pound weight he strapped to his swordarm.
When he lifted it up, the crowd cried with alarm,
For his scepter was truly majestic.

(Note emphasized changes!)
And the band played appropriate music,
While the womenfolk tore at their hair.
The children waved flags, and the menfolk did swoon,
As they saw what was happening there.

Testing their swordarms, testing their swordarms.
The menfolk did swoon at the sight they had seen,
While the children waved flags, and the women tore out all their hair,
The royal musicians played "God Save The Queen."

Pigs & Fishes > Filks > And The Band Played Appropriate Music
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Contents ©1996-2018 Avram Grumer (avram@grumer.org)
Last updated: Wed, 31 Dec 1969, 04:00 PM EST